his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
