I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
