The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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