ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
