Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
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Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
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I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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