Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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