under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
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