i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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