I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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