On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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