my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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