God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Randomize
