I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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