So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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