the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
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Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
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Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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