Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
