Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
