I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
