I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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