His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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