i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
