I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
