So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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