He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
