Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
