Got a toothbrush?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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