I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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