I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
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No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
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I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I am one with the molecules
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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