wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
