Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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