life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I just found a bag of teeth...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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