the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Randomize
