Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
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Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
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You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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