omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Randomize
