if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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