I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
