Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
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I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
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I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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