you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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