jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
