Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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