The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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