I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Randomize
