There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
