when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
