i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
