Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
