What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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