Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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