you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
