Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
