Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
