I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
