I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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