I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
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I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
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I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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