I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
