Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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