you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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