Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Randomize
