So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
