God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
