Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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